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How to Reach Great Neck – In Five Easy Lessons:

GREAT NECK is on the north shore of Long Island about 16 miles from New York, one mile beyond the Greater New York city limits. Hence, it’s (safely insulated from Heil Hague and The Little Flower) just inside the Republican stronghold of Nassau County. How to get there? Well, the quickest way is to fly, but as there’s no landing field near us, you may as well save time and come by train.

By Train. That’s what those things the Long Island Railroad operates are called: trains. Admittedly, such wheel-equipped park-benches are somewhat preferable to cattlecars and Boston Elevated trolleys – but we’ll not go into that here. The L.I.R.R., on its meandering route to Port Washington, stops at Great Neck. The tariff is $.70 round trip, cash and carry. Trains operate hourly on Sundays from the Pennsylvania-Long Island station in New York, leaving 12:12, 1:14, 2:12, 3:12. Running time: 40 minutes. Should you desire to reduce the cost per ride, simply buy a monthly commutation ticket (only $.16 per, in 60-ride lots good during a 30-day period.)

By Subway. BMT and IRT subways connect at Times Square and Grand Central with the subway (which isn’t subway, but elevated, on Long Island) to Main Street Flushing. This’ll cost you the well-known nickel a ride – and consume three-quarters of an hour. When you pass the semi-demolished wreck of the World’s Fair, it’s time to wake up. The trainmen won’t throw you off at Main Street, so you can ride right back to town on the same nickel – a wonderful value, you’ll agree, and a lovely way to spend the weekend.

Two blocks from the subway terminal is the railroad station (Again? Bless me, how this durn thing keeps popping up!) from which point they ask but $.30 round trip to Great Neck, with the same “frequent” service mentioned above – except that trains stop here about 15 minutes later.

Equally distant from the subway is the bus terminal, where you can buy an interest in a 5c bus which will dump you at the city limits: Little Neck (on Northern Blvd.). From that point you’re on your own and no insurance company will renew your policies if you’re a democrat – we shoot ‘em on sight.

From the city line it’s only three-quarters of a mile walk to 58 Maple Drive. Turn left on the first concrete road off Northern Blvd., cross the bridge over the railroad, bear left onto Bayview Avenue (concrete road just beyond the bridge). Then turn right at the first traffic circle-blinker, proceed two blocks on Cedar Drive, turn right and almost immediately left – onto Maple Drive. No. 58 is halfway up the hill. This is known as the Immigrant’s Route (total cost: $.10 and two hours) and was first used by great-great-grandpappy Babcock when he emigrated here from Nieuw Amsterdam. (N.B. There are also busses from Flushing to Great Neck. Fare and frequency unknown.)

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By Auto. If you’re one of those blarsted capitalists (or union members) that owns a car, then, of course you’ll want to know where to point your jalopy. Well, when you’ve finally crept out of Manhattan, take Queens Boulevard to the Grand Central Parkway and then just keep a-going. This bumps into Northern State Parkway at the Nassau County line, and less than a mile farther on (just past two stone overpass bridges) there’s a turn-off sign (microscopic in size) for Great Neck.

Incidental Intelligence: You might care to know that motorcycle cops sometimes enforce the 35 m.p.h. speed limit on the Parkway. One chap I know delivered five “iron men” to a Jamaica judge once because they claimed he was doing 42 m.p.h. The cop was wrong – most cops are. It was 50 +/- (mostly + before I stepped on the brake). … Do wish they’d be a bit more accurate in their guessing!

Farmers realize, of course, that there is no public conveyance directly connecting our thriving metropolis with such frontier outposts at Hempstead or the Great Wilderness of Brooklyn. Hempstead outlanders will do well to canter their horses down Marcus Avenue as far as Lakeville Road (crossing over Northern State Parkway at the Great Neck turn-off mentioned above); this leads past Lake Success (and a couple of golf clubs) to Northern Blvd., where it becomes Middle Neck Road and leads directly to the Great Neck station-plaza of that blessed Long Island Railroad we’ve been hearing so much about.

From Great Neck Station. Cross the concrete bridge over the railroad and proceed along Middle Neck Road three blocks, turning left onto Maple Drive just before the two movie-theatres. Take a deep breath, and then stagger the last block and a half. Number 58 is the brown shingled house halfway down the hill on the left. After ringing the bell there’s no turning back.

By Foot. Rugged individualists like James Morton, Rheinhart Kleiner, Bill Haywood, and Mike Phelan, who may be inclined to hike out, will find it a pleasant little jaunt – particularly by moonlight. We suggest you bring a tent and camp overnight at the ex-World’s Fairgrounds, for milk-truck drivers are not as accommodating to hitch-hikers as they once were. NOTE TO BOSTONIANS: Please do not walk in the middle of the street until after leaving the city. New York drivers are notoriously short-sighted, and our hospitals are full of grippe cases this time of year.

Cheerio. We’ll be seein’ you.

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This issue was to have been distributed prior to the Amateur Printers Club meeting on March 23rd, but Bill Groveman asked so many questions on the afternoon of the 16th that we didn’t get it finished till the time of the meeting. Now those who came’ll be able to get home.

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