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Apostrophe Addressed to The Busted Statue of a Roman Gladiator
Continued from the July Our Special.
by Bill Nye, 1884.

Proud fragment of heroic days, in dreams no doubt thou livest on, and in the ampitheatre with quivering blade thou fightest still.

Methinks I see thee in the dusty ring, straddling about and slashing right and left, filling the air with toe-nails and fresh gore. Again I hear thy new-laid joke as up against the galleries the fragments of thy foe are hurled.

Dream on, thou fractured warrior of ye olden time, and reck not one cold, careless clam that all thy limbs are knocked into a shapeless mass.

Forget thy present in thy glorious past. Live over still the days when in thy wondrous strength thou wast more deadly than the modern pie. Remember still the days of long ago, when he who banged thee midst the face and eyes got scattered o’er the dry and thirsty ground, and dusted off the quivering earth with his remains. Lose not thy grip, bold warrior of the fly-blown past. Brace up with memories of forgotten years, thou busted warrior of ye Roman time, for he who thus apostrophizes thee is busted too.

Editor’s Note; The author of Apostrophe was born in Shirley, Maine, 1850. He moved to Wisconsin with his parents when he was two. While growing up Bill studied law and edited a newspaper. In 1876 he went to Laramie, Wyoming. Here Bill was admitted to the bar and held several public offices. In 1881 Nye and Judge Blair founded the Laramie Boomerang. His first books were made up of his Boomerang writings. By 1886 he went to work for the New York World.

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THESE words of Benjamin Franklin have consoled us when we felt Fortune had given us less than we deserved. “Human felicity is produc’d not so much by great pieces of good fortune that seldom happen, as by little advantages that occur every day.” – A. P. McGinty, Editor and Publisher.

A Report From A. J. MacReady

Dear A. P.,

Mexico is a delightful place for relaxing. Only yesterday Mary and I were waiting for lunchtime in the plaza. The benches were in shade though the sun moved slowly toward my feet. After a few moments of being too warm I spoke to a lad nearby, “Boy, move my feet into the shade!”

Later we stopped at a small store for bananas and pineapples (these were so much better than any we’d had in the U.S.). A small girl had returned a swollen can of fish. The clerk called the store owner to verify the refund. When he asked what was wrong, she sniffed and said, “Norte-Americano!” We tried getting a look at the label and sure enough it was from California!

More later from The Alonzo J. MacReadys.

A Plea From A. P. McGinty

Be Kind to Your Plants – Read this to them. Recent studies seem to prove plants enjoy kind words and soft music. Our studies indicate plants grow 17 per cent faster after being read to!

Horoscope for August
by Omar Shadoof, Horoscopist-in-Residence

Aug. 5 – This fifth day of the eighth month be a good day to open a stored jar of wine. So sayeth Ching Fu, elderly sage of the 9th century.

Aug. 12 – Be especially careful to avoid making change for sake of change. That is a shortcut to oblivion.

Aug. 19 – Stay receptive to new ideas. Remember even “babes and sucklings” might bring forth wisdom, though the odds are much against.

Aug. 26 – Hereafter follow the rule of Chi Pao, early teacher of ethics. He said, “Be thou so honest thou believest everything thou sayest.”

As I Was Standing in the Street

As I was standing in the street,
As quiet as I could be,
A great big ugly man came up
And tied his horse to me.

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Printed strictly for entertainment by The Trivia Press,
Harlan D. and Nell Burbank,
Oakland, California 94602.

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