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The Gardener Ham Makes His Mark
by Clyde M. Borgers

Lo, I am the man with the hoe
My motions are steady and slow,
My eyes are turned down to the earth
And my toil does not drive me to mirth,
But my mind is seeking always
To turn irksome labor to play.

O the taylor, whose name I forgot,
Who slew seven flies at a swat
And the hero with jaw-bone for blade
Who bragged of the slaughter he made,
And David with thousands of slain
Have glory that by mine must wane.

The army from dragon-tooth seeds
Is nought to the Host of the weeds –
Yet I with a sharpened hoe-blade
Thru the hosts of uprisers did wade
Cutting a wearying lane
And turned and attacked them again.

Behind me the millions lie dead
With each stroke the hundreds are sped
And at night I rest from my toil
Too weary to gather the spoil.

‘Tis a notable victory, what?
Where now is the “seven per swat,”
And the thousand men killed with a bone?
Even David by me is outshown!

So rank not the person too low
Who goes to the war with a hoe
For I would have all the world know
That I am “the man with the hoe.”

Farm Problem
by Clyde M. Borgers

There are too many FARM PLANS. Nearly everybody seems satisfied that we have to do something for the farmer. Yet it seems to me that all PLANS so far proposed can only DO for the farmer. Farm relief will only relieve the the farmer of his farm. Instead of proposing another plan I should like to show why this is so.

Farming is a business requiring that the farmer must plan his own work and manage his own affairs. It is only natural that a large number of us are not able to boss ourselves. It is a hard fact that lots of people would live better as slaves. Since slavery is not permitted to them as a way out we have to either find some other kind of relief or change the jobs of such people. That is a man who needs a boss should in most cases quit farming.

Instead of working in harmony with these natural tendencies our legislatures like to “keep the farmer on the farm.” So they pass moratoriums, and extend redemption periods and wonder why they can’t collect taxes and why the country is always hard up.

Now if every man who cannot boss himself efficiently were working for someone else the chances are he would be earning a bigger net income than he can earn on the farm. In the same way many folks who could farm would do so if they had a better chance – which chance would be provided if more of the residents of farms who are not farmers were to seek other work.

The result of efforts to “help the farmers” has been to keep too many of the wrong men on the land and in two ways depresses the income of the state. People who need bossing in order to live are kept in a business which requires ‘individualistic’ folk; and people of independent spirit are forced to endure bossing. Moratoriums prevent the natural adjustment from working itself out and instead of relieving a bad situation pile more on top of it. The same is true of any form of subsidy.

(I may add here, subsidy to any industry has the same general depressing effect, for the same and similar reasons.) It should be obvious that as regards agriculture it is better to have people on farms who can and will tend to their own affairs than to keep us all at the business. It should be plain that where everyone is engaged in a line of work to which he is well suited the country will be more prosperous other things remaining the same.

The only thing to do about it is to quit attempting to obstruct the proper course of natural events. Let the man who needs a boss get off the farm and let someone else who is tired of being bossed, find out whether he is able to boss himself. There will be some of these who need bossing too, but there will be some who do not.

There are some other angles to the farm-puzzle but the fact is not to be disputed that there is nothing worth doing for the farmer who cannot manage his own business, unless it is to find him other work. (I would make exception for the man who is temporarily disabled – such a man is worth helping once; but if his disability is chronic he doesn’t belong on the land either.)

My personal view is that public aid can only spoil the business.

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The Popular Author
by Clyde M. Borgers

The popular writer can always tell
The brand of lies that he can sell.
He gives the public the line of bull
That it will buy till his page is full.
But as long as the fish and the suckers bite
We’ll honor the liar for he’s alrite,
For truly now, if we are fair,
In Heaven the Devil will have a share,
But still I’ll do whatever I can
To become a popular writing man.

Monkhous Dictionary
Where all is made plain by Prof. M. Sregrob, B. S., Etc.

Talent: – ability; Used as an alibi by the unskilled.
Realism: – literary style claiming to portray the truth.
Peace treaty: – scrap of paper to scrap over.
Overproduction: – production beyond the point of greatest net returns: Doesn’t mean that all have more than is good for them.
Cost of production: – A price desired by some folks – it is almost always higher than the current figure.
Cowhand: – one who works on a cattle wrench. No part of a cow’s anatomy.
Recession: – new technical term for hard times. It is customary for politicians to devise new words or revive old ones so as to have something to say about old ailments. Examples: surplusage (1919), overproduction (1930), depression (1932), recession (1937), inflation (1865), reflation (1933).
Reciprocity: – a means of tearing down tariff walls without admitting it.
Controlled production: – Today’s Northwest Passage. (The Holy Grail of the farmer’s Saviours).
Negotiations: – international slight-of-hand. The magician (diplomat) warns Japan not to build big ships of war so as to satisfy home pacifists (thereby helping along the intended naval program).
Bignavy: – big target.
Adequate relief: – unlimited charity.
Refinancing: – postponing payment.
Government loans: – substitute for donation, enabling recipient to say he ‘intended’ to pay.
Rehabilitation: – polite way of giving an undeserved chance.

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by Clyde M. Borgers

There once was a lad
Who asked of his dad:
“Please father, will you pass the ‘am?”
His dad’s answer came:
“Your grammar is lame,
You really should ask me for ‘am.”
Said the wife to her guest
And she smiled at her jest:
“They both think they’re saying ‘AM.”

For a Happier Life
by Clyde M. Borgers

In building our temples each season more vast
We have found our contentment far longer will last
If we turn our work to an art;
For who in his line an artist becomes
In doing his work enjoys bugles and drums.
His fanfare of trumpets – is labor well done,
The something accomplished before setting of sun
That justifies satisfied pride.

The strenuous life tho unsung with verse
Will leave its own monuments little the worse
If only the work is done well.
So let us each cheerfully do his own part
To finish each evening the things that we start;
Let us put on that polish – that finishing stroke
And the laborious life will seem less a yoke
Since everything done has its art.

Song of the Milk Pail
Tune: Old Oaken Bucket
by Clyde M. Borgers

The bright shiny bucket, the sterilized milk pail,
When filled to the brim is a joy to behold;
And filled with youth’s ‘lixir it never will fail
To evoke admiration for foam covered gold.
The music of milking the eardrum caresses
For the fast filling bucket sings a song of its own.
A tune that keeps changing as the labor progresses
From a ringing and stinging to a deep humming tone.
Then here’s to the milk pail, the bright shiny milk pail,
With a place in the world held by merit alone.

Quotations for and from the Amatoors


“The oldest chapter in AAPA is the TYPE TYROS which was organized January 10, 1938.” – Official Organ

“Coining new words from the framework of old is an art that seems to have been indulged in ever since man began conversing. The Bard of Avon was not adverse to mixing a few syllables and writers today are following the custom. Even Winchell coins words. Frowned on by many, the custom is building up in our language a sparkle that relieves the dullness of cliches and redundancy. So come on, amateuriters, help enliven ayjay.” – William Haywood

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Modern Amatoor is published by Clyde M. Borgers, Foxholm, N. D.
Member: American Amateur Press Association
Printed in “Dakota Farmer”

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